Only one question comes to mind: How far can you kick a quokka?

Rottnest Island. A refuge for those troubled with life in a big city. Life moves just a little bit slower on Rottnest, and you now what, that's just fine with everyone. No cars on the island means that biking becomes the only mode of transportation. 63 different beaches allow for complete solitude while enjoying the raw beauty of nature. Even a few conveniences from the mainland make their presence known: There's a Subway and a Red Rooster. I know it sounds like utopia and it is! Humans and wildlife even live in perfect harmony...sometimes.

This is the story of how I, Luke Runyon, became a refugee from the island of Rottnest. I'll do my best to do this story justice and give full attention to all details. Here goes.

It was a beautiful day on Rottnest. 75F/24C, not a cloud in the sky. The sun beat down and 13 rowdy university students found themselves in the midst of Eden. My flatmate Amanda was turning 20, a big occasion and we planned to give it its due. With a bottle shop on the island they were practically begging us to drink. Enjoying the company of friends and the euphoric effect of booze, several party goers thought it a great idea to remove their clothing before taking a late night swim. The skinny dippers enjoyed their romp through town at 10:30pm seeing only one conscious soul in their naked journey from the beach to the cottage. After a night of laughter and naked swimming everyone was exhausted and tuckered in for the night, thinking nothing much of the romp through town.


Morning comes. I venture into town, grab some Subway. As I make my way back but what do I see but a Ranger's truck in front of our cottage. "Hmmm...that's odd," I ponder. I walk into the porch to find two large men (one with a beard that says 'Don't mess with me, k?') Bearded man goes on to explain to the group that while they did not approve of our naked romp through the town of Rottnest (which was captured on CCTV) it was merely a slap on the wrist. He also overlooked the fact that we had open containers in public, a girl left her bra on the beach by accident and that we had 13 people staying in an 8 person cabin. The real heart of the matter was that somebody kicked a quokka.
Let me pause for a second to explain the quokka. They're a marsupial. Try to imagine if a rat and a kangaroo had baby. That's what a quokka looks like. I had a few experiences with the furry beasts in the previous day, even stopping for a bit to feed one a eucalyptus leaf, which they love ever so much. I mean, I don't want one for a pet or anything but I would never go out of my way to hurt a quokka, or any living thing for that matter. I feel like the rest of my friends on the island share this sentiment.

Now the ranger tells us of the mysterious "eyewitness". Here's how the quokka-kicking went down according to the witness: A group of 3 people, one male, two female, were walking back from the beach. Females were naked, male was in board shorts. Enter helpless quokka. Male gets a running start and kicks poor, innocent quokka 3 metres over a nearby fence, only after proclaiming, "Let's play some quokka soccer!", in a loud and authoritative voice. Naked group of three then continues to walk away and enter into the cottage. I don't know about you, but this story reeks of bullshit. Apparently the ranger's bullshit detector was broken and our pleas to be heard were not of his concern. Excuse me, but if I'm going to be accused of quokka murder, I want a fair trial. Who is this eyewitness? What did they have to gain from framing us?

Well, we were told we were being "section 60-ed" off the island. That means that we had until 4pm that day to leave the island otherwise we would be arrested. All 13 of us. Not exactly the way I would've liked to have ended my stay on Rottnest. So we try to get on the last ferry from the island at 4pm. It's full. Oh shit, we're going to be arrested for staying on this beautiful island. Oh wait, no, what's that kickass speed boat doing? Really, we get to ride on that? Are you kidding me?! This is awesome! We need to get kicked off islands more often! WOOOO! He's doing donuts in the water! This is amazing!



And thus ends my brief, yet action packed trip to Rottnest Island.