The Tim Tam Slam: A True Cultural Experience

Who would've thought that I would be meeting very few Australians while living in Australia? The Village is like a little bubble filled with international students and very few Australians (at least that I've met). I keep trying to soak up Australian culture but it's kind of difficult when I don't live with a true-blooded Aussie. One of my flatmates grew up in Perth but has been living a good chunk of her life in the United States so she kind of counts. But still. I yearn for some kind of glimpse into the lives of my temporary fellow countrymen and women! Alas, I've found it! The Tim Tam Slam!

This art of biscuit-soaking is one that requires great skill and determination and perhaps decades to master correctly. I, a humble novice in the art of Tim Tam Slamming, will do my best to outline the correct way to Slam. I took pictures so you can follow along at home. Make sure to ask an adult first though.

1. Prepare your ingredients. You will need a cup of hot liquid, preferably something with flavor. The popular choices are coffee or hot chocolate. However, word on the street is that you can use tea, Milo, or even more daring, a liqueur such as Irish Creme. Then gather up your beloved Tim Tams, the chocolate covered biscuits I have grown to love in three short weeks. One is not sufficient, especially for the true lover of Tim Tams. Two is standard for an evening snack, with a whole carton of Tim Tams acceptable to be consumed as an entire meal. Trust me, they're that good.
2. This is where it starts to get tricky for the novice Slammer. Carefully bite opposing corners of the Tim Tam to be slammed. Essentially, you want the Tim Tam to become a chocolate-y, biscuit-y straw. Make sure to not bite off too much or too little as the entire slam depends on your ability to create enough of a vacuum in the Tim Tam to suck up liquid. Watch out for holes in the biscuit's chocolate coating as they will inhibit the ability to suck. Locate the hole and put your finger over it to allow for maximum suckage.


3. Now it's time for the main event. Clear your head and prepare yourself for the imminent Slamming of the Tim Tam. Keep your hands steady with ample support given to the Tim Tam. Place one of the bitten ends into the liquid (in this case coffee) and suck. Now you don't have much time once the act actually begins. After roughly three or four seconds of solid sucking, the Tim Tam will begin to collapse you only have one chance to get the whole thing in your mouth in one piece. I tend to prefer Double Coat or Caramel Tim Tams as the Double Coat gives more of a external structural support while the Caramel gives an internal support. Either way they ensure a successful slam.

4. The actual act of slamming is quite spiritual. The mind is clear, the body is relaxed and the soul is patient. It's almost an indescribable feeling. Like, the world is good again. I think I saw stars the last time I slammed. Your surroundings become a blur of chocolate-y, caramel-y goodness. Voices become silenced and you get a glimpse of Tim Tam heaven for a couple seconds. "Should I go towards the light?" "Dear God, yes!"

One final tip. Don't do the Slam in the mornings cause it'll make your whole day seem like shit in comparison.

Editor's Note: After reading this post I noticed an ample amount of sexual innuendos peppered throughout the text and even in the images. Comments of a sexual nature on this post will be expected. I totally deserve it.